What a Life ...

Hi , my blog ...
 I'm ... sad... :(
I sometimes think that life is beautiful . Ya , actually it's beautiful when you can really enjoy it . When everything go smoothly and you have freedom . When there's no envy , and you can do whatever you want .
Guess not all life is like that . For instant , mine . Actually some people might see that I'm so lucky , or I must be so happy having life like this . I know that . Sometimes , I do feel lucky about my life also , but sometimes , I'm also thinking about why I'm having such a life like this .
I'm lucky , coz I can go study overseas . I'm lucky , coz I have parents allow me to have bf , and I'm lucky also to finally have a perfect bf who's really my type . I'm lucky , coz I can study what I want . I'm lucky also , to have sibling and not being the only child .
The thing is that , my life values , which is different from my parent's life values . Sometimes , I ask my self , whether I have already done the right things or no . Whether I have already done the best or no . I really don't understand . Even right or wrong things , there is no absolute limit about them . I can say that it's right , but other people can say that it's wrong , I can say that it's wrong , but other people might see it as right thing . That's what normally happens between me and my parents . I'm no longer young girl anymore that need parents to decide my values . I already decided my values . I don't think I'm a bad girl . I never do crimes , never been in jail , and always try my best to do what my parents want . Some of their rules , I can do really well , but some of them are bloody sucks , and against my values . I know , I appreciate their mindset , I know that they always follow east people's mindset . Those old fashioned mindset , I understand . My mindset is like 70% different from theirs . I don't mean to run against their mindset , but it's just already like that . It's not that I'm a rebel that never obey parents mindset . It's just that my values are already decided by my self . I can't run against my values also , since it's my life . I felt like I'm stuck in between two cliffs . Can't really run to the right or left . Sometimes , it's hard to follow your heart . Truth does hurt , as a wise man said .

Is it wrong to become an open minded person ? I don't think it's wrong , but it's way so wrong for my family . They said that I have been in wrong way of friendship . No , I strongly disagree about that . My friends are kind of nice and open minded people . They understand me well . It's just that they give me new view of life values . It's nobody's decision , the life values are 100% my decision .
I even can't stand about what they want sometimes . I know they want me to be safe , I know they want the best for me . Please stop treating like I'm a fragile little innocent girl . Even things like dating with my bf also they have such strict rules . Can just hold hands ? What ? Please , in this era , hold hands only ? When I told them that I hug also , they were a bit surprised . Whoa , nice , what if they know that I kissed also ? No wonder last time I got draw manga about two people kissing , they're so suspicious of me . Their mindset is like if I kiss then I'm pregnant . Omg , where got theory like that ? Pregnant can happen if the guy's sperm met the girl's ovum , not when the guy's saliva met the girl's saliva . Also , it's not like when you kiss then you must continue it with having sex aka coitus with your partner .
I admit it , last time I also got a thinking that kissing is disgusting and must be done after you're married only , but that was like when I was 10 . Now I'm almost 19 , not 9 . I know already , what kind of things I must do and what kind of things that I should not do , and when I should do the things .
I understand , they always want me to be their baby girl forever . Ya , I understand . But please do understand also , that I need space to grow up , to be independent , to learn how to solve my own problem , to learn how to make a self decision , to learn how to take a risk at something , and to realize that it's my life . My life , my fault , my problem . I do , and I know everything in this world has risks . I do understand about that . I just want more freedom . Is that difficult ?

One thing that always swims inside my mind , do they realize that I already grown up ?
I don't mean to say that I don't need parents anymore . I do still need them , I do still obey them , and thank them for creating me in this world , but am I created to be tortured ?

If you ask me whether I still love my life or not , I will definitely say that I do . I do love my life , it's just that , lots of question marks inside my mind . Without any answer . Maybe they don't need answers , or maybe they're just way too complicated . Yeah... life is never flat !