Yo , I'm back .
Wondering how's everybody's life at the moment , because my life now is quite complicated and haha tons of homework from school . Crazy , must finish my shirt project by next week . So many layers on my shirt , how to sew finish in just one week ? Tell me how ? Can't really use the sewing room few days onwards some more . I'm so screwed . Where to finish the shirt then ?
So basically , my 'what to do' list is just below here :
1. Shirt project : Sewing (10% done , yayyyy *screwed*)
2. Pants toile (0% done , yaaaayyyyyy *crazy already*)
3. Illustration and Technical Flat Drawing for fashion design class (40% done *this class carries the highest credit*)
4. Weaving the scarf for textile design class(0% done *starting to do this Friday , due date is 3 more weeks though*)
5. Music report (0% done *woot woot*)
6. Pants pattern (70% done *the highest percentage that I've done with*)
7. Gerber Accumark pattern design (20% done *cry*)
8. Illustration sketchbook and research (0% done *cry out loud*)
9. Submit my resume for internship (this one can relax one la )
See ? Now you know how screwed I am at the moment .
Oh my God ! How to finish that in just one week ? Imagine , one week !!!
I'm sure if somebody out there read this post , will get mad at me after school . Haha... ok I deserve your lecture , your Higness ... (Even though I might ended up covering your mouth again)
Now then I know that kindergarten life is way way much better than college life .
Some more I still have to work part time 16 hours per week as what my mum wished . Oh no... My life is so damn screwed man ...
18 Mar 2014
18 Feb 2014
Am I Even Wanted in This World ?
I'm not sure what's going on my self ? I want to be happy . Yet , happiness is not easy to get lately . How I wished I had never been born in the past time . I'd be happy up there . Wouldn't be facing crazy problems in the world . Wouldn't have to face my 'unbelievable' mother . Wouldn't be facing fear and danger everyday . Would just be up there , dancing with lots of angels . Would be with my Creator , who would not do horrible things to me .
I'm tired . I kept thinking about how to solve problems everyday . Another day , another casualty . Yesterday was worse . I was super duper sad . How jealous I am of those happy students in my school . They can laugh everyday , freely , happily , without family burden . I'm sure their family supports them well always . Not just financially , but psychologically . Am I even wanted in this world ? Am I an unwanted child ? That's why they all do this to me ?
Everyone seems to have such a good mother . I also want a good mother . Not a rage and complainer mother . Everything that I do is always wrong in front of her . I increase my GPA already , and yet she's not happy . Every efforts that I do , she never noticed it . She never even appreciated it , but when I do one mistake , one mistake only , she definitely noticed it . What the hell ???
What the hell ???
WHAT THE HELL ???
She thinks that I'm lazy ? She thinks that I never do anything useful ? She thinks I never tried ??
What the hell ???
What about those f*cking nights that I spent at school just to finish my bloody pattern ?
What about those f*cking nights that I spent at school just to finish my bloody sketches ?
What about those f*cking nights that I spent at school just to finish my sewing ??
All she can do is just making me down .
She just can noticed all my bloody mistakes , without noticing my efforts that I do to correct those mistakes .
She just can complain about all that I do . It makes me feel like not appreciated .
I hate being compared . Has she ever been compared before ? Why she always compare me ???
I never compared her to other mothers in front of her . I can if she wants . It's just that I try to respect her always .
She even challenged me to die ? Just what the hell is wrong with her ?? Am I even her daughter ? Am I adopted ? Or what ?
She asked me ,"You said that if you're stressed , you want to die ?? Huh ?? Then die lah ! Die lah !"
Now , what I do everyday is just go school and thinking of how should I kill my self ? In the most painful way , or in the most not painful way ? I always think of how to end my life . How would life be when I'm totally gone from this world ? Probably life would be more beautiful . I wouldn't have to face her anymore . I wouldn't have to live in fear everyday . I wouldn't face any danger everyday . I wouldn't have to face her threats to me anymore . Guessed she would be happy if I die . I've had enough of her already . She turned into someone that I don't even know who is she anymore . I don't need a mother like that . I prefer to be motherless if I got a choice . I know I sound bad , but it's because I can't take the burden anymore . She gave me too much burden .
I supposed to get support from her , not threats , not even a single scold .
Just let me study here peacefully . Just let me be happy . Can I be happy ??
She doesn't even care what I feel . She doesn't even care if I die . She just care about my f*cking scores and my f*cking virginity .
I have a boyfriend already , yet she hurt my feeling yesterday . She said she wants to match me to a bloody fucking IndoChinese guy . What THE F*CK ??
I would definitely say NO . Read that sh*t , NO ! I won't let my self to marry an Indonesian guy . I f*cking hate them . I won't let them have my virginity also . What they want is just virgin girl , what a f*cking shallow creatures . Go eat that virginity ! I'd make sure I kill my self first before she makes me marry them .
I'd just marry a guy that I love , no matter what , no matter my parents never agree with me . I'd just runaway from them . Or suicide .
I feel like my life is not appreciated .
People might think that my decision is stupid , just because they're not in my shoes . Try to be in my shoes , you'll know how hurting it is .
I'm tired . I kept thinking about how to solve problems everyday . Another day , another casualty . Yesterday was worse . I was super duper sad . How jealous I am of those happy students in my school . They can laugh everyday , freely , happily , without family burden . I'm sure their family supports them well always . Not just financially , but psychologically . Am I even wanted in this world ? Am I an unwanted child ? That's why they all do this to me ?
Everyone seems to have such a good mother . I also want a good mother . Not a rage and complainer mother . Everything that I do is always wrong in front of her . I increase my GPA already , and yet she's not happy . Every efforts that I do , she never noticed it . She never even appreciated it , but when I do one mistake , one mistake only , she definitely noticed it . What the hell ???
What the hell ???
WHAT THE HELL ???
She thinks that I'm lazy ? She thinks that I never do anything useful ? She thinks I never tried ??
What the hell ???
What about those f*cking nights that I spent at school just to finish my bloody pattern ?
What about those f*cking nights that I spent at school just to finish my bloody sketches ?
What about those f*cking nights that I spent at school just to finish my sewing ??
All she can do is just making me down .
She just can noticed all my bloody mistakes , without noticing my efforts that I do to correct those mistakes .
She just can complain about all that I do . It makes me feel like not appreciated .
I hate being compared . Has she ever been compared before ? Why she always compare me ???
I never compared her to other mothers in front of her . I can if she wants . It's just that I try to respect her always .
She even challenged me to die ? Just what the hell is wrong with her ?? Am I even her daughter ? Am I adopted ? Or what ?
She asked me ,"You said that if you're stressed , you want to die ?? Huh ?? Then die lah ! Die lah !"
Now , what I do everyday is just go school and thinking of how should I kill my self ? In the most painful way , or in the most not painful way ? I always think of how to end my life . How would life be when I'm totally gone from this world ? Probably life would be more beautiful . I wouldn't have to face her anymore . I wouldn't have to live in fear everyday . I wouldn't face any danger everyday . I wouldn't have to face her threats to me anymore . Guessed she would be happy if I die . I've had enough of her already . She turned into someone that I don't even know who is she anymore . I don't need a mother like that . I prefer to be motherless if I got a choice . I know I sound bad , but it's because I can't take the burden anymore . She gave me too much burden .
I supposed to get support from her , not threats , not even a single scold .
Just let me study here peacefully . Just let me be happy . Can I be happy ??
She doesn't even care what I feel . She doesn't even care if I die . She just care about my f*cking scores and my f*cking virginity .
I have a boyfriend already , yet she hurt my feeling yesterday . She said she wants to match me to a bloody fucking IndoChinese guy . What THE F*CK ??
I would definitely say NO . Read that sh*t , NO ! I won't let my self to marry an Indonesian guy . I f*cking hate them . I won't let them have my virginity also . What they want is just virgin girl , what a f*cking shallow creatures . Go eat that virginity ! I'd make sure I kill my self first before she makes me marry them .
I'd just marry a guy that I love , no matter what , no matter my parents never agree with me . I'd just runaway from them . Or suicide .
I feel like my life is not appreciated .
People might think that my decision is stupid , just because they're not in my shoes . Try to be in my shoes , you'll know how hurting it is .
9 Feb 2014
Blogging in the Middle of Class
Hi hi I'm back with the new post !
Well actually I'm having class now , just that my lecturer said that we can do research in com lab so I went here and ended up blogging .
Hahaha
Oh well , but I finished my research , so ya , can blog now !
I was doing research about applying coffee dye on fabric . It's interesting , I'd like my cardigan to smell like coffee ! It will be awesome !
Also , people discover about dyeing fabric using rose , but then it's nearly Valentine's day when the rose's price will increase like crazy . I don't understand why rose's price increases during Valentine's day ? It's not like every girl wants rose or something . Rose can decomposed , so better buy something else that can be forever or at least can be there for the next ten years ?
Talking about roses on Valentine's day , I still haven't got any Valentine's gift for my boyfriend . I remember the first time I gave Valentine's gift was to my first love and I gave him a cat doll . You know why I gave doll ? It's because it can last forever . Well I guess now he threw it away coz he got girlfriend , haha .
Okay back to the topic , how about not giving my boyfriend a doll , because his room has already gotten 3 dolls , which we call them our kids . I won't give chocolate also , because it's unable to last forever , it will be expired .
I want something unique and memorable , and meaningful .
Oh well , I guess I'll be going out somewhere later to find .
Hehe
Okay I'm back to class now !
Well actually I'm having class now , just that my lecturer said that we can do research in com lab so I went here and ended up blogging .
Hahaha
Oh well , but I finished my research , so ya , can blog now !
I was doing research about applying coffee dye on fabric . It's interesting , I'd like my cardigan to smell like coffee ! It will be awesome !
Also , people discover about dyeing fabric using rose , but then it's nearly Valentine's day when the rose's price will increase like crazy . I don't understand why rose's price increases during Valentine's day ? It's not like every girl wants rose or something . Rose can decomposed , so better buy something else that can be forever or at least can be there for the next ten years ?
Talking about roses on Valentine's day , I still haven't got any Valentine's gift for my boyfriend . I remember the first time I gave Valentine's gift was to my first love and I gave him a cat doll . You know why I gave doll ? It's because it can last forever . Well I guess now he threw it away coz he got girlfriend , haha .
Okay back to the topic , how about not giving my boyfriend a doll , because his room has already gotten 3 dolls , which we call them our kids . I won't give chocolate also , because it's unable to last forever , it will be expired .
I want something unique and memorable , and meaningful .
Oh well , I guess I'll be going out somewhere later to find .
Hehe
Okay I'm back to class now !
29 Jan 2014
Lost
Everyone (not really everyone , I mean mostly ) loves their mother . They mostly talk about their mother as an angel , a nice woman in their life . Honestly , I'm always jealous every time I heard they talk about their mom's kindness . So happy , having such a good mother .
I know every mother will have good sides . Even my boyfriend's mother is also kind and nice . Smile everyday , not strict , never whine even though she works everyday . Hmmm I feel so bad now , comparing my mum to other mothers . I know it's actually bad , bur I don't know what else to do . I feel so pressured now . A mother is supposed to give support to the daughter , not to let her daughter down , not to block her daughter's from a way to successful future . How I wish I could have an awesome mother , who is nice , kind , warm - hearted , smile everyday , high patience , humorous , and never abuse the kids .
I can tell that my mom is so strict , abusive , easy to say bad words , super damn low patience , and likes comparing me to others . Even like in the middle of me doing my bloody difficult homework which needs a high concentration , she still wanted to bother me about me being fatter (note : when everyone else in my school or even my boyfriend and they are not blind , say that I'm not fat ) . It's really bothering me . I tried to deny her , like telling her that my friends and my boyfriend said that I'm not fat , but then she said that I should not believe them , only people who never seen me for a long time will know whether I'm getting fat or not . Hmm alright then . I told her about the camera angle was not right , and she said that there's nothing to do about camera angle , fat means fat . Seriously , it distracted me from my work and made me not in the mood anymore to do my work . You know what ? If I told her that I can't argue with her about being fat right now coz I was doing my work , then I can guarantee that she would be more angry . She would say that I'm not filial , mother talks to me and I choose to ignore her . The thing is that I'll be crazy if I do what she wants , which is listen to her , then ended up argue with her . Seriously , I don't get it , how my father dated her in past time . I mean , why he wants an Abusive , Irritating , Dangerous , and Sadistic (AIDS) woman like her ? Every time I throw this question to my father , he just keeps quiet . Honestly , I think other man will not be able to handle her . Only my super Dad can . She also often says bad things to my father , said that he's stupid , or idiot , or never made a good decision for the family . I think if I said that to my future husband which is my boyfriend , he'd be super damn mad or angry , then throw me into the fridge to cool down .
I honestly don't know how to handle my mom . She's sometimes nice , but more often being scary . I can guarantee you that if you were me , you'd be ended up in mental asylum or called "Hougang Chalet" in Singapore .
Also , what she wants sometimes is not exactly what she wants . You must guess it by your self correctly .
For example , she wants me to have boyfriend , during college , so that I won't face any difficulties to get married in future , coz I'll be working in fashion industry and there will rarely be a normal man working there , mostly are gays . No offence but it's true !
Then now , when I have boyfriend , she keeps nagging me this and that . She said that I should have got boyfriend when I graduated from college and go to work . What ? She wants a gay son in law , doesn't she ?
She is always paranoid about me having sex with my boyfriend . She said that virginity is important , I can't loose it till I'm married . Hmm okay , I'm sorry about this , my mom is so conservative . Not me though , I'm so damn open . To me , having sex is not a 'wow' thing anymore , everyone did , even though they're not in relationship sometimes . I don't mean to say that I do the same thing like them . I'm me . I'll just have sex whenever I'm ready . If I'm ready and my partner is ready then I'll do , if not , then I won't ever do . Simple as that . Even though one day I'm married , if I'm not ready for sex then I will not do (but most slightly will do !!! Aww yeah !!!) .
No sex also doesn't mean I'm dead or something , I have my right hand , left hand , just put it below and satisfy my self . Done ! Sex toys are everywhere nowadays also .
I tried to convince her that I am still a virgin like what she wants . The thing is that she barely can trust me . She's always scared I had sex before . To be honest , no , I still respect her , just do it after married , cause for now , I'm not ready for it .
So ya , back to the topic . Any suggestion on what should I do now ?
I know every mother will have good sides . Even my boyfriend's mother is also kind and nice . Smile everyday , not strict , never whine even though she works everyday . Hmmm I feel so bad now , comparing my mum to other mothers . I know it's actually bad , bur I don't know what else to do . I feel so pressured now . A mother is supposed to give support to the daughter , not to let her daughter down , not to block her daughter's from a way to successful future . How I wish I could have an awesome mother , who is nice , kind , warm - hearted , smile everyday , high patience , humorous , and never abuse the kids .
I can tell that my mom is so strict , abusive , easy to say bad words , super damn low patience , and likes comparing me to others . Even like in the middle of me doing my bloody difficult homework which needs a high concentration , she still wanted to bother me about me being fatter (note : when everyone else in my school or even my boyfriend and they are not blind , say that I'm not fat ) . It's really bothering me . I tried to deny her , like telling her that my friends and my boyfriend said that I'm not fat , but then she said that I should not believe them , only people who never seen me for a long time will know whether I'm getting fat or not . Hmm alright then . I told her about the camera angle was not right , and she said that there's nothing to do about camera angle , fat means fat . Seriously , it distracted me from my work and made me not in the mood anymore to do my work . You know what ? If I told her that I can't argue with her about being fat right now coz I was doing my work , then I can guarantee that she would be more angry . She would say that I'm not filial , mother talks to me and I choose to ignore her . The thing is that I'll be crazy if I do what she wants , which is listen to her , then ended up argue with her . Seriously , I don't get it , how my father dated her in past time . I mean , why he wants an Abusive , Irritating , Dangerous , and Sadistic (AIDS) woman like her ? Every time I throw this question to my father , he just keeps quiet . Honestly , I think other man will not be able to handle her . Only my super Dad can . She also often says bad things to my father , said that he's stupid , or idiot , or never made a good decision for the family . I think if I said that to my future husband which is my boyfriend , he'd be super damn mad or angry , then throw me into the fridge to cool down .
I honestly don't know how to handle my mom . She's sometimes nice , but more often being scary . I can guarantee you that if you were me , you'd be ended up in mental asylum or called "Hougang Chalet" in Singapore .
Also , what she wants sometimes is not exactly what she wants . You must guess it by your self correctly .
For example , she wants me to have boyfriend , during college , so that I won't face any difficulties to get married in future , coz I'll be working in fashion industry and there will rarely be a normal man working there , mostly are gays . No offence but it's true !
Then now , when I have boyfriend , she keeps nagging me this and that . She said that I should have got boyfriend when I graduated from college and go to work . What ? She wants a gay son in law , doesn't she ?
She is always paranoid about me having sex with my boyfriend . She said that virginity is important , I can't loose it till I'm married . Hmm okay , I'm sorry about this , my mom is so conservative . Not me though , I'm so damn open . To me , having sex is not a 'wow' thing anymore , everyone did , even though they're not in relationship sometimes . I don't mean to say that I do the same thing like them . I'm me . I'll just have sex whenever I'm ready . If I'm ready and my partner is ready then I'll do , if not , then I won't ever do . Simple as that . Even though one day I'm married , if I'm not ready for sex then I will not do (but most slightly will do !!! Aww yeah !!!) .
No sex also doesn't mean I'm dead or something , I have my right hand , left hand , just put it below and satisfy my self . Done ! Sex toys are everywhere nowadays also .
I tried to convince her that I am still a virgin like what she wants . The thing is that she barely can trust me . She's always scared I had sex before . To be honest , no , I still respect her , just do it after married , cause for now , I'm not ready for it .
So ya , back to the topic . Any suggestion on what should I do now ?
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