It's two days before I'm going back to Malang . I dunno whether I should be happy or sad . Mostly I will be sad I guess , coz it's like I'm loosing all my freedom all of this . What to do ? Nobody can help me as well . I must help my self . It's life , actually we're all living individually . Help your self . I feel like sometimes , going back to my hometown is like sentenced to death . I'm just scared of all the 'bound' . I also dunno whether next year I'll still be able to go back to Singapore , if my mum knowing about my results . Or maybe she's in bad mood and I'm totally fucked up . Is it the end of everything or what ? Some more he's still got time to be angry with me after fished me with something . I also dunno whether I can get the thing one day or not . Will I still be like right now or I'm ... Ah I dunno . Guess my life is like a puppet show life . I'm the puppet and my life is 100% under control of my controller , who is ya you know that . Maybe nobody will understand my feeling . I also can't describe it . Probably I should just keep it my self . I can only share this on my blog coz it's just like my online diary , I'm too lazy to write . Sometimes , I feel like having an imaginary friend , who is so nice to me and totally understands my feeling . Then I can share everything to her . So bad right ? Already 19 but I still sometimes wishing for imaginary friend . Just like a kid . Never mind , this blog also is kinda like my imaginary friend . Thanks for being here for me everytime I'm sad .
I also dunno why , what I did , life just wants to screw me . Especially her , not imaginary friends . She's real , and she got a lots of rules and always wants to control me . She's always so suspicious when I have a lover . Why she's like that ? Can I be happy ? At least giving me one month of no tears or something ? Sometimes I feel like my life is 'counted' . Because of this thing . I dunno . I'm lost . I'm trapped . I'm screwed . I'm hopeless . I'm ... tired . Can somebody help me ?
I'm not living in the past . Please don't force me to live in the past . I'm not living in communism century , yet I feel like living in that century .
And then , about the special thing . Maybe you should keep it your self . Probably also I can't get it . You'll never know what will happen next . Probably I'm lost . It's not that because I don't love you . But it's because , my life is under control . I can't own 100% of my life . She can anyhow forbid me do this and do that . I also can't do anything . You also can't do anything . I feel like I'm so weak and maybe I'm also not the best . I'm always sad . Because my real happiness is locked somewhere by her . So , ya , I can't get my real happiness . Maybe wait till I'm 50 then I can be totally free .
I'm so fucked up .
26 Nov 2013
15 Nov 2013
Asessment is Finally Over
Finally , the assessment is over ! Woot ! Woot !
Nothing to do now... hahaha
I feel jobless . Everyday wake up very late , around 12.00 PM plus , then go eat lunch , after that go stroll somewhere... haha
Anyway ... I dunno what's wrong . I dunno whether it's me who is getting more emotional coz my period is near or maybe because I'm going to be... (oh no please not this one !!) , or maybe he changed , or just ... ahh fuck it !
It's just annoying when you need to stroll around alone like a forever alone and nothing to do when in fact you got bf . Especially when he said that he'll get home at around 9 PM then ended up went home at 11 PM . Now I understand how it feels like when a wife waiting for the husband coming back from the office late . It's just way so annoying .
I already stressed because of my family problem , and school problem also , they f*ck me together at the same time . Feel like threesome like that . Then after that he also ... ahhh... I dunno .
YOLO . So ya , it's true , you only live once . I want to enjoy this life only . Today more YOLO sia . The number on the traffic light for crossing the road showing only 5 secs left for crossing the road and I just started to cross the road . Yolo...
Oh well , that's life , it will keep fucking you no matter what . You will be happy , but just temporary , just for a while . After that it will ruin you again , dunno how .
His blog is full of emo posts . After this , my blog will also be full of emo posts . Holy...
I need someone to talk to , who will listen to me , hug me when I'm sad , give me support , appreciate me no matter what , and not blaming me or lecturing me or what . Sometimes , I feel like having an imaginary friend , that will be there for me no matter what and when and how . Sounds so selfish right ? Ya it does . If not maybe I'll end up being in IMH or just die somewhere . I bring so much burden already . Sometimes I wonder , till when I can take this burden everywhere ? Will I die young ? Or ... I dunno...
I don't need people to give me critics . I already had a lots of critics . I dunno why . I already tried so hard till almost die like that , and still no appreciate ? He keeps saying that I must see when I go work , people will start to give me much more critics . Ha... Like that , I dunno lah . Maybe will just die in the work place . Crazy world . Wrong place . Wrong education . Wrong job . Wrong boss . Wrong partner . Wrong people . Wrong society . Everything is wrong .
You know what ? Actually all people in this world are crazy . Including me . They won't call you crazy if you have the same mindset with them ? But if you do , then no , you're not called crazy . Don't you think so ?
Anyway , never mind . Life happens .
Nothing to do now... hahaha
I feel jobless . Everyday wake up very late , around 12.00 PM plus , then go eat lunch , after that go stroll somewhere... haha
Anyway ... I dunno what's wrong . I dunno whether it's me who is getting more emotional coz my period is near or maybe because I'm going to be... (oh no please not this one !!) , or maybe he changed , or just ... ahh fuck it !
It's just annoying when you need to stroll around alone like a forever alone and nothing to do when in fact you got bf . Especially when he said that he'll get home at around 9 PM then ended up went home at 11 PM . Now I understand how it feels like when a wife waiting for the husband coming back from the office late . It's just way so annoying .
I already stressed because of my family problem , and school problem also , they f*ck me together at the same time . Feel like threesome like that . Then after that he also ... ahhh... I dunno .
YOLO . So ya , it's true , you only live once . I want to enjoy this life only . Today more YOLO sia . The number on the traffic light for crossing the road showing only 5 secs left for crossing the road and I just started to cross the road . Yolo...
Oh well , that's life , it will keep fucking you no matter what . You will be happy , but just temporary , just for a while . After that it will ruin you again , dunno how .
His blog is full of emo posts . After this , my blog will also be full of emo posts . Holy...
I need someone to talk to , who will listen to me , hug me when I'm sad , give me support , appreciate me no matter what , and not blaming me or lecturing me or what . Sometimes , I feel like having an imaginary friend , that will be there for me no matter what and when and how . Sounds so selfish right ? Ya it does . If not maybe I'll end up being in IMH or just die somewhere . I bring so much burden already . Sometimes I wonder , till when I can take this burden everywhere ? Will I die young ? Or ... I dunno...
I don't need people to give me critics . I already had a lots of critics . I dunno why . I already tried so hard till almost die like that , and still no appreciate ? He keeps saying that I must see when I go work , people will start to give me much more critics . Ha... Like that , I dunno lah . Maybe will just die in the work place . Crazy world . Wrong place . Wrong education . Wrong job . Wrong boss . Wrong partner . Wrong people . Wrong society . Everything is wrong .
You know what ? Actually all people in this world are crazy . Including me . They won't call you crazy if you have the same mindset with them ? But if you do , then no , you're not called crazy . Don't you think so ?
Anyway , never mind . Life happens .
5 Nov 2013
Does Virginity Matter ?
Well , everybody must be having different mindsets about virginity . Some people think that it's very important , so that we must keep it until that special day comes , which is our wedding night . Some people think that it doesn't matter at all , you want to loose it ? Then go ahead , loose it . You're not ready ? Then don't . To me , just do it when you and your partner are ready .
To be honest , I come from a very conservative family . Probably some people think that it's quite tough to be me , even my ex (p.s : he's not from my country ) said that he will mati aka dead if he were me . Although mostly friends from my country will think that it's normal . My parents said : no kissing before marriage , no sex before marriage , no sleepover (even at girl's house) , no going into boyfriend's room , no visiting boyfriend's house too often , no being too close to boyfriends , no being touchy with boyfriend , and any other strict rules , no being home late , blah blah blah . And believe it or not ? I'm 19 . Actually it's supposed to be legal to do anything we want as long as we're above 18 ?
Virginity is a really big deal for them . Even about marriage , they also have strict rules about it . They expect me to marry a guy from my country actually , but then now I currently dating a Singaporean , haha . I insist of dating him . Due to some personal reasons , I don't want guy from my country , die die don't want . Also I can't get married too young . Oh well... At least I'm better than last time . Ya , after a horrible experience with my ex from my country , last time I die die didn't want to get married forever , but now of course I want la ! Haha ...
Okay , back to the topic . So , ya , virginity is not a big deal for me actually . I know mostly guys from my country will expect his wife to be still a virgin and make sure that he's the first one to taste her virginity . Even some will divorce his wife immediately after knowing that his wife is no longer a virgin . Oh well ... don't judge people by their past , you know ? Everybody has their own past . Everybody makes mistake . We can't anyhow judge people . Even though I'm still a virgin (well , I know some people will judge me by saying that I'm lying or I'm not a virgin , correct ? Well it's up to you to believe it or not though...) .
Some guys are also not confident when they're still a virgin . Even my ex last time asked me whether it was ok to date him as a virgin . "You'll laugh at me , will you ? Because I'm a virgin guy ?" Ya , I often get that kind of question . My current bf is also a virgin . Ya , so what if you're a virgin or non virgin ? What's the matter ? It's just a virginity ? Even though some people said that once a girl loose it , she won't get it back anymore . Who said that ?? Can hor ! Nowadays , technology is so damn good what ? See , got operation to get the virginity back , even though sounds a bit weird , but they do exist , hahaha .
Some people said that if a girl is not a virgin before she's married , she's a slut or whore or whatever it is . Oh well , we can't judge a girl like that actually . Because , slut is that you're doing it with some stranger guy and after that you'll get paid , and there's a love based while having that sex . So to me that doesn't matter if you did that with your ex or your bf , as in you're madly in love with him ? Not because you're madly in love with money ?
Some people said that if a guy is not a virgin before he's married , he's very man . What ?? That is NOT fair !!! Where's the justice ???
But then...
Some people said that if a guy is a virgin until he's married , he's a nerd , or not good enough in sex , got a small dick so that no girl wants him , or can't satisfy girls , not cool , or outcast , or etc . Oh dude , what kind of judgement is that ?? Just let them be !
That's what I love from my current bf also , he never judge me . He said that he doesn't care whether I'm still virgin or not . It's my past . I also don't care whether he's a virgin or not . I love him , end of story . True love doesn't need reasons , correct ??
I dunno whether this post will change some people's mind or not , but ya , that's my opinion about virginity . Even though I come from a conservative country . To be honest , I'm not that conservative anymore , hahaha . I do have my own mindset , and please hor , stop judging me ! Don't believe , can check me . Check la ! Check la ! Lol
To be honest , I come from a very conservative family . Probably some people think that it's quite tough to be me , even my ex (p.s : he's not from my country ) said that he will mati aka dead if he were me . Although mostly friends from my country will think that it's normal . My parents said : no kissing before marriage , no sex before marriage , no sleepover (even at girl's house) , no going into boyfriend's room , no visiting boyfriend's house too often , no being too close to boyfriends , no being touchy with boyfriend , and any other strict rules , no being home late , blah blah blah . And believe it or not ? I'm 19 . Actually it's supposed to be legal to do anything we want as long as we're above 18 ?
Virginity is a really big deal for them . Even about marriage , they also have strict rules about it . They expect me to marry a guy from my country actually , but then now I currently dating a Singaporean , haha . I insist of dating him . Due to some personal reasons , I don't want guy from my country , die die don't want . Also I can't get married too young . Oh well... At least I'm better than last time . Ya , after a horrible experience with my ex from my country , last time I die die didn't want to get married forever , but now of course I want la ! Haha ...
Okay , back to the topic . So , ya , virginity is not a big deal for me actually . I know mostly guys from my country will expect his wife to be still a virgin and make sure that he's the first one to taste her virginity . Even some will divorce his wife immediately after knowing that his wife is no longer a virgin . Oh well ... don't judge people by their past , you know ? Everybody has their own past . Everybody makes mistake . We can't anyhow judge people . Even though I'm still a virgin (well , I know some people will judge me by saying that I'm lying or I'm not a virgin , correct ? Well it's up to you to believe it or not though...) .
Some guys are also not confident when they're still a virgin . Even my ex last time asked me whether it was ok to date him as a virgin . "You'll laugh at me , will you ? Because I'm a virgin guy ?" Ya , I often get that kind of question . My current bf is also a virgin . Ya , so what if you're a virgin or non virgin ? What's the matter ? It's just a virginity ? Even though some people said that once a girl loose it , she won't get it back anymore . Who said that ?? Can hor ! Nowadays , technology is so damn good what ? See , got operation to get the virginity back , even though sounds a bit weird , but they do exist , hahaha .
Some people said that if a girl is not a virgin before she's married , she's a slut or whore or whatever it is . Oh well , we can't judge a girl like that actually . Because , slut is that you're doing it with some stranger guy and after that you'll get paid , and there's a love based while having that sex . So to me that doesn't matter if you did that with your ex or your bf , as in you're madly in love with him ? Not because you're madly in love with money ?
Some people said that if a guy is not a virgin before he's married , he's very man . What ?? That is NOT fair !!! Where's the justice ???
But then...
Some people said that if a guy is a virgin until he's married , he's a nerd , or not good enough in sex , got a small dick so that no girl wants him , or can't satisfy girls , not cool , or outcast , or etc . Oh dude , what kind of judgement is that ?? Just let them be !
That's what I love from my current bf also , he never judge me . He said that he doesn't care whether I'm still virgin or not . It's my past . I also don't care whether he's a virgin or not . I love him , end of story . True love doesn't need reasons , correct ??
I dunno whether this post will change some people's mind or not , but ya , that's my opinion about virginity . Even though I come from a conservative country . To be honest , I'm not that conservative anymore , hahaha . I do have my own mindset , and please hor , stop judging me ! Don't believe , can check me . Check la ! Check la ! Lol
3 Nov 2013
School Ended - What to Do ?
Well , school ended officially , I meant the first semester of my second year is ended , not my Diploma course , hahaha . How I wish I could reach my final year already , so that I can totally go to work . Haha .
So ya , now I feel like got nothing to do , dunno what to do exactly . Haha , coz I finished all my projects already . Just need to wait for the assessment and some presentations . My assessment will be on the 14th of November . Hmmm 10 more days huh ?
I feel like going to draw some illustrations for fun , but also I dunno what to draw .
Normally if that happens , it will end up with me staring at the empty paper with no expression for the next 30 minutes . Hahaha .
Or probably I can go make pattern . But then,,, wasting paper . I'm not good in pattern making , I admit that . So it will end up with me surrounded by crumpled papers with failed patterns on it . Looks like just back from a paper war . Oh well...
Maybe I should do some fabric hunting , but no money... :(
Hmmm any idea ? Haha
I'm jobless...
So ya , now I feel like got nothing to do , dunno what to do exactly . Haha , coz I finished all my projects already . Just need to wait for the assessment and some presentations . My assessment will be on the 14th of November . Hmmm 10 more days huh ?
I feel like going to draw some illustrations for fun , but also I dunno what to draw .
Normally if that happens , it will end up with me staring at the empty paper with no expression for the next 30 minutes . Hahaha .
Or probably I can go make pattern . But then,,, wasting paper . I'm not good in pattern making , I admit that . So it will end up with me surrounded by crumpled papers with failed patterns on it . Looks like just back from a paper war . Oh well...
Maybe I should do some fabric hunting , but no money... :(
Hmmm any idea ? Haha
I'm jobless...
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