Am I Even Wanted in This World ?

I'm not sure what's going on my self ? I want to be happy . Yet , happiness is not easy to get lately . How I wished I had never been born in the past time . I'd be happy up there . Wouldn't be facing crazy problems in the world . Wouldn't have to face my 'unbelievable' mother . Wouldn't be facing fear and danger everyday . Would just be up there , dancing with lots of angels . Would be with my Creator , who would not do horrible things to me .
I'm tired . I kept thinking about how to solve problems everyday . Another day , another casualty . Yesterday was worse . I was super duper sad . How jealous I am of those happy students in my school . They can laugh everyday , freely , happily , without family burden . I'm sure their family supports them well always . Not just financially , but psychologically . Am I even wanted in this world ? Am I an unwanted child ? That's why they all do this to me ?
Everyone seems to have such a good mother . I also want a good mother . Not a rage and complainer mother . Everything that I do is always wrong in front of her . I increase my GPA already , and yet she's not happy . Every efforts that I do , she never noticed it . She never even appreciated it , but when I do one mistake , one mistake only , she definitely noticed it . What the hell ???
What the hell ???
WHAT THE HELL ???
She thinks that I'm lazy ? She thinks that I never do anything useful ? She thinks I never tried ??
What the hell ???
What about those f*cking nights that I spent at school just to finish my bloody pattern ?
What about those f*cking nights that I spent at school just to finish my bloody sketches ?
What about those f*cking nights that I spent at school just to finish my sewing ??
All she can do is just making me down .
She just can noticed all my bloody mistakes , without noticing my efforts that I do to correct those mistakes .
She just can complain about all that I do . It makes me feel like not appreciated .
I hate being compared . Has she ever been compared before ? Why she always compare me ???
I never compared her to other mothers in front of her . I can if she wants . It's just that I try to respect her always .
She even challenged me to die ? Just what the hell is wrong with her ?? Am I even her daughter ? Am I adopted ? Or what ?
She asked me ,"You said that if you're stressed , you want to die ?? Huh ?? Then die lah ! Die lah !"
 Now , what I do everyday is just go school and thinking of how should I kill my self ? In the most painful way , or in the most not painful way ? I always think of how to end my life . How would life be when I'm totally gone from this world ? Probably life would be more beautiful . I wouldn't have to face her anymore . I wouldn't have to live in fear everyday . I wouldn't face any danger everyday . I wouldn't have to face her threats to me anymore . Guessed she would be happy if I die . I've had enough of her already . She turned into someone that I don't even know who is she anymore . I don't need a mother like that . I prefer to be motherless if I got a choice . I know I sound bad , but it's because I can't take the burden anymore . She gave me too much burden .
I supposed to get support from her , not threats , not even a single scold .
Just let me study here peacefully . Just let me be happy . Can I be happy ??
She doesn't even care what I feel . She doesn't even care if I die . She just care about my f*cking scores  and my f*cking virginity  .
I have a boyfriend already , yet she hurt my feeling yesterday . She said she wants to match me to a bloody fucking IndoChinese guy . What THE F*CK ??
I would definitely say NO . Read that sh*t , NO ! I won't let my self to marry an Indonesian guy . I f*cking hate them . I won't let them have my virginity also . What they want is just virgin girl , what a f*cking shallow creatures . Go eat that virginity ! I'd make sure I kill my self first before she makes me marry them .
I'd just marry a guy that I love , no matter what , no matter my parents never agree with me . I'd just runaway from them . Or suicide .
I feel like my life is not appreciated .
People might think that my decision is stupid , just because they're not in my shoes . Try to be in my shoes , you'll know how hurting it is .

Blogging in the Middle of Class

Hi hi I'm back with the new post !
Well actually I'm having class now , just that my lecturer said that we can do research in com lab so I went here and ended up blogging .
Hahaha
Oh well , but I finished my research , so ya , can blog now !
I was doing research about applying coffee dye on fabric . It's interesting , I'd like my cardigan to smell like coffee ! It will be awesome !
Also , people discover about dyeing fabric using rose , but then it's nearly Valentine's day when the rose's price will increase like crazy . I don't understand why rose's price increases during Valentine's day ? It's not like every girl wants rose or something . Rose can decomposed , so better buy something else that can be forever or at least can be there for the next ten years ?
Talking about roses on Valentine's day , I still haven't got any Valentine's gift for my boyfriend . I remember the first time I gave Valentine's gift was to my first love and I gave him a cat doll . You know why I gave doll ? It's because it can last forever . Well I guess now he threw it away coz he got girlfriend , haha .
Okay back to the topic , how about not giving my boyfriend a doll , because his room has already gotten 3 dolls , which we call them our kids . I won't give chocolate also , because it's unable to last forever , it will be expired .
I want something unique and memorable , and meaningful .
Oh well , I guess I'll be going out somewhere later to find .
Hehe
Okay I'm back to class now !