It's two days before I'm going back to Malang . I dunno whether I should be happy or sad . Mostly I will be sad I guess , coz it's like I'm loosing all my freedom all of this . What to do ? Nobody can help me as well . I must help my self . It's life , actually we're all living individually . Help your self . I feel like sometimes , going back to my hometown is like sentenced to death . I'm just scared of all the 'bound' . I also dunno whether next year I'll still be able to go back to Singapore , if my mum knowing about my results . Or maybe she's in bad mood and I'm totally fucked up . Is it the end of everything or what ? Some more he's still got time to be angry with me after fished me with something . I also dunno whether I can get the thing one day or not . Will I still be like right now or I'm ... Ah I dunno . Guess my life is like a puppet show life . I'm the puppet and my life is 100% under control of my controller , who is ya you know that . Maybe nobody will understand my feeling . I also can't describe it . Probably I should just keep it my self . I can only share this on my blog coz it's just like my online diary , I'm too lazy to write . Sometimes , I feel like having an imaginary friend , who is so nice to me and totally understands my feeling . Then I can share everything to her . So bad right ? Already 19 but I still sometimes wishing for imaginary friend . Just like a kid . Never mind , this blog also is kinda like my imaginary friend . Thanks for being here for me everytime I'm sad .
I also dunno why , what I did , life just wants to screw me . Especially her , not imaginary friends . She's real , and she got a lots of rules and always wants to control me . She's always so suspicious when I have a lover . Why she's like that ? Can I be happy ? At least giving me one month of no tears or something ? Sometimes I feel like my life is 'counted' . Because of this thing . I dunno . I'm lost . I'm trapped . I'm screwed . I'm hopeless . I'm ... tired . Can somebody help me ?
I'm not living in the past . Please don't force me to live in the past . I'm not living in communism century , yet I feel like living in that century .
And then , about the special thing . Maybe you should keep it your self . Probably also I can't get it . You'll never know what will happen next . Probably I'm lost . It's not that because I don't love you . But it's because , my life is under control . I can't own 100% of my life . She can anyhow forbid me do this and do that . I also can't do anything . You also can't do anything . I feel like I'm so weak and maybe I'm also not the best . I'm always sad . Because my real happiness is locked somewhere by her . So , ya , I can't get my real happiness . Maybe wait till I'm 50 then I can be totally free .
I'm so fucked up .
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