Lost

Everyone (not really everyone , I mean mostly ) loves their mother . They mostly talk about their mother as an angel , a nice woman in their life . Honestly , I'm always jealous every time I heard they talk about their mom's kindness . So happy , having such a good mother .
I know every mother will have good sides . Even my boyfriend's mother is also kind and nice . Smile everyday , not strict , never whine even though she works everyday . Hmmm I feel so bad now , comparing my mum to other mothers . I know it's actually bad , bur I don't know what else to do . I feel so pressured now . A mother is supposed to give support to the daughter , not to let her daughter down , not to block her daughter's from a way to successful future . How I wish I could have an awesome mother , who is nice , kind , warm - hearted , smile everyday , high patience , humorous , and never abuse the kids .
I can tell that my mom is so strict , abusive , easy to say bad words , super damn low patience , and likes comparing me to others . Even like in the middle of me doing my bloody difficult homework which needs a high concentration , she still wanted to bother me about me being fatter (note : when everyone else in my school or even my boyfriend and they are not blind , say that I'm not fat ) . It's really bothering me . I tried to deny her , like telling her that my friends and my boyfriend said that I'm not fat , but then she said that I should not believe them , only people who never seen me for a long time will know whether I'm getting fat or not . Hmm alright then . I told her about the camera angle was not right , and she said that there's nothing to do about camera angle , fat means fat . Seriously , it distracted me from my work and made me not in the mood anymore to do my work . You know what ? If I told her that I can't argue with her about being fat right now coz I was doing my work , then I can guarantee that she would be more angry . She would say that I'm not filial , mother talks to me and I choose to ignore her . The thing is that I'll be crazy if I do what she wants , which is listen to her , then ended up argue with her . Seriously , I don't get it , how my father dated her in past time . I mean , why he wants an Abusive , Irritating , Dangerous , and Sadistic (AIDS) woman like her ? Every time I throw this question to my father , he just keeps quiet . Honestly , I think other man will not be able to handle her . Only my super Dad can . She also often says bad things to my father , said that he's stupid , or idiot , or never made a good decision for the family . I think if I said that to my future husband which is my boyfriend , he'd be super damn mad or angry , then throw me into the fridge to cool down .
I honestly don't know how to handle my mom . She's sometimes nice , but more often being scary . I can guarantee you that if you were me , you'd be ended up in mental asylum or called "Hougang Chalet" in Singapore .
Also , what she wants sometimes is not exactly what she wants . You must guess it by your self correctly .
For example , she wants me to have boyfriend , during college , so that I won't face any difficulties to get married in future , coz I'll be working in fashion industry and there will rarely be a normal man working there , mostly are gays . No offence but it's true !
Then now , when I have boyfriend , she keeps nagging me this and that . She said that I should have got boyfriend when I graduated from college and go to work . What ? She wants a gay son in law , doesn't she ?
She is always paranoid about me having sex with my boyfriend . She said that virginity is important , I can't loose it till I'm married . Hmm okay , I'm sorry about this , my mom is so conservative . Not me though , I'm so damn open . To me , having sex is not a 'wow' thing anymore , everyone did , even though they're not in relationship sometimes . I don't mean to say that I do the same thing like them . I'm me . I'll just have sex whenever I'm ready . If I'm ready and my partner is ready then I'll do , if not , then I won't ever do . Simple as that . Even though one day I'm married , if I'm not ready for sex then I will not do (but most slightly will do !!! Aww yeah !!!) .
No sex also doesn't mean I'm dead or something , I have my right hand , left hand , just put it below and satisfy my self . Done ! Sex toys are everywhere nowadays also .

I tried to convince her that I am still a virgin like what she wants . The thing is that she barely can trust me . She's always scared I had sex before . To be honest , no , I still respect her , just do it after married , cause for now , I'm not ready for it .

So ya , back to the topic . Any suggestion on what should I do now ?

What I Want to Say ...

Already tired to argue 

Already tired to talk back 

Because I guess you're always right

And everything goes according to reasonable and unreasonable 

Which has driven me crazy 

Love is mad and non logic 

It's not science which got reasons 

Coz love doesn't need reasons 

Love doesn't need comparison also ... 

So why compare me to other girls ?

I'm not other girls 

I'm different 

I'm me 

I may be much younger than you . But I'm a girl 

Of course I understand about love 

Because my experience about love is already a lot . I'm not a kid that always play play only 

No

Girls are supposed to be matured faster than guys 

I already planned about my future while guys my age are thinking about playing 

Maybe I don't understand about working . 

But I already planned one 

I'm willful 

Because I have my own thinking 

And I want to be my self 

You said I got princess illness 

It's not princess illness 

But all girls want to be treated like princess 

You may say that all girls are not like that 

But oh well , good luck to everyone who's searching for that rare type of girls nowadays 

You may say your friend's girlfriend are not like that 

But ... Tsk tsk , don't judge a fruit by its skin 

They won't share their private arguments with each other 

I know about girls , coz I'm a girl ... 

And I got a lots of girl friends from all over the world 

So I know well how girls behave nowadays ... 

I might be giving attitude at some times 

But...

I'm not that type of girl who will force the boyfriend to own a Ferrari or to own a villa , or country club or whatever it is 

I'm not that type of girl who likes sleeping around with guys 

I'm not that type of girl who cheats when I already got boyfriend , once I like you then only you , I expect nobody else . But that's what caused me wasting time for 4 years... 

I'm not that type of girl who smoke 

I'm not that type of girl who slaps you easily for small problems 

And most of all , I love you with all my life 

And you can never find girl who loves you more than I love you ... 

Will I ?

It's two days before I'm going back to Malang . I dunno whether I should be happy or sad . Mostly I will be sad I guess , coz it's like I'm loosing all my freedom all of this . What to do ? Nobody can help me as well . I must help my self . It's life , actually we're all living individually . Help your self . I feel like sometimes , going back to my hometown is like sentenced to death . I'm just scared of all the 'bound' . I also dunno whether next year I'll still be able to go back to Singapore , if my mum knowing about my results . Or maybe she's in bad mood and I'm totally fucked up . Is it the end of everything or what ? Some more he's still got time to be angry with me after fished me with something . I also dunno whether I can get the thing one day or not . Will I still be like right now or I'm ... Ah I dunno . Guess my life is like a puppet show life . I'm the puppet and my life is 100% under control of my controller , who is ya you know that . Maybe nobody will understand my feeling . I also can't describe it . Probably I should just keep it my self . I can only share this on my blog coz it's just like my online diary , I'm too lazy to write . Sometimes , I feel like having an imaginary friend , who is so nice to me and totally understands my feeling . Then I can share everything to her . So bad right ? Already 19 but I still sometimes wishing for imaginary friend . Just like a kid . Never mind , this blog also is kinda like my imaginary friend . Thanks for being here for me everytime I'm sad .
I also dunno why , what I did , life just wants to screw me . Especially her , not imaginary friends . She's real , and she got a lots of rules and always wants to control me . She's always so suspicious when I have a lover . Why she's like that ? Can I be happy ? At least giving me one month of no tears or something ? Sometimes I feel like my life is 'counted' . Because of this thing . I dunno . I'm lost . I'm trapped . I'm screwed . I'm hopeless . I'm ... tired . Can somebody help me ?
I'm not living in the past . Please don't force me to live in the past . I'm not living in communism century , yet I feel like living in that century .

And then , about the special thing . Maybe you should keep it your self . Probably also I can't get it . You'll never know what will happen next . Probably I'm lost . It's not that because I don't love you . But it's because , my life is under control . I can't own 100% of my life . She can anyhow forbid me do this and do that . I also can't do anything . You also can't do anything . I feel like I'm so weak and maybe I'm also not the best . I'm always sad . Because my real happiness is locked somewhere by her . So , ya , I can't get my real happiness . Maybe wait till I'm 50 then I can be totally free .


I'm so fucked up .

Asessment is Finally Over

Finally , the assessment is over ! Woot ! Woot !
Nothing to do now... hahaha
I feel jobless . Everyday wake up very late , around 12.00 PM plus , then go eat lunch , after that go stroll somewhere... haha
Anyway ... I dunno what's wrong . I dunno whether it's me who is getting more emotional coz my period is near or maybe because I'm going to be... (oh no please not this one !!) , or maybe he changed , or just ... ahh fuck it !
It's just annoying when you need to stroll around alone like a forever alone and nothing to do when in fact you got bf . Especially when he said that he'll get home at around 9 PM then ended up went home at 11 PM . Now I understand how it feels like when a wife waiting for the husband coming back from the office late . It's just way so annoying .
I already stressed because of my family problem , and school problem also , they f*ck me together at the same time . Feel like threesome like that . Then after that he also ... ahhh... I dunno .
YOLO . So ya , it's true , you only live once . I want to enjoy this life only . Today more YOLO sia . The number on the traffic light for crossing the road showing only 5 secs left for crossing the road and I just started to cross the road . Yolo...
Oh well , that's life , it will keep fucking you no matter what . You will be happy , but just temporary , just for  a while . After that it will ruin you again , dunno how .
His blog is full of emo posts . After this , my blog will also be full of emo posts . Holy...
I need someone to talk to , who will listen to me , hug me when I'm sad , give me support , appreciate me no matter what , and not blaming me or lecturing me or what . Sometimes , I feel like having an imaginary friend , that will be there for me no matter what and when and how . Sounds so selfish right ? Ya it does . If not maybe I'll end up being in IMH or just die somewhere . I bring so much burden already . Sometimes I wonder , till when I can take this burden everywhere ? Will I die young ? Or ... I dunno...

I don't need people to give me critics . I already had a lots of critics . I dunno why . I already tried so hard till almost die like that , and still no appreciate ? He keeps saying that I must see when I go work , people will start to give me much more critics . Ha... Like that , I dunno lah . Maybe will just die in the work place . Crazy world . Wrong place . Wrong education . Wrong job . Wrong boss . Wrong partner . Wrong people . Wrong society . Everything is wrong .
You know what ? Actually all people in this world are crazy . Including me . They won't call you crazy if you have the same mindset with them ? But if you do , then no , you're not called crazy . Don't you think so ?

Anyway , never mind . Life happens .

Does Virginity Matter ?

Well , everybody must be having different mindsets about virginity . Some people think that it's very important , so that we must keep it until that special day comes , which is our wedding night . Some people think that it doesn't matter at all , you want to loose it ? Then go ahead , loose it . You're not ready ? Then don't . To me , just do it when you and your partner are ready .
To be honest , I come from a very conservative family . Probably some people think that it's quite tough to be me , even my ex (p.s : he's not from my country ) said that he will mati aka dead if he were me . Although mostly friends from my country will think that it's normal . My parents said : no kissing before marriage , no sex before marriage , no sleepover (even at girl's house) , no going into boyfriend's room , no visiting boyfriend's house too often , no being too close to boyfriends , no being touchy with boyfriend , and any other strict rules , no being home late , blah blah blah . And believe it or not ? I'm 19 . Actually it's supposed to be legal to do anything we want as long as we're above 18 ?
Virginity is a really big deal for them . Even about marriage , they also have strict rules about it . They expect me to marry a guy from my country actually , but then now I currently dating a Singaporean , haha . I insist of dating him . Due to some personal reasons , I don't want guy from my country , die die don't want . Also I can't get married too young . Oh well... At least I'm better than last time . Ya , after a horrible experience with my ex from my country , last time I die die didn't want to get married forever , but now of course I want la ! Haha ...
Okay , back to the topic . So , ya , virginity is not a big deal for me actually . I know mostly guys from my country will expect his wife to be still a virgin and make sure that he's the first one to taste her virginity . Even some will divorce his wife immediately after knowing that his wife is no longer a virgin . Oh well ... don't judge people by their past , you know ? Everybody has their own past . Everybody makes mistake . We can't anyhow judge people . Even though I'm still a virgin (well , I know some people will judge me by saying that I'm lying or I'm not a virgin , correct ? Well it's up to you to believe it or not though...) .
Some guys are also not confident when they're still a virgin . Even my ex last time asked me whether it was ok to date him as a virgin . "You'll laugh at me , will you ? Because I'm a virgin guy ?" Ya , I often get that kind of question . My current bf is also a virgin . Ya , so what if you're a virgin or non virgin ? What's the matter ? It's just a virginity ? Even though some people said that once a girl loose it , she won't get it back anymore . Who said that ?? Can hor ! Nowadays , technology is so damn good what ? See , got operation to get the virginity back , even though sounds a bit weird , but they do exist , hahaha .
Some people said that if a girl is not a virgin before she's married , she's a slut or whore or whatever it is . Oh well , we can't judge a girl like that actually . Because , slut is that you're doing it with some stranger guy and after that you'll get paid , and there's a love based while having that sex . So to me that doesn't matter if you did that with your ex or your bf , as in you're madly in love with him ? Not because you're madly in love with money ?

Some people said that if a guy is not a virgin before he's married , he's very man . What ?? That is NOT fair !!! Where's the justice ???

But then...

Some people said that if a guy is a virgin until he's married , he's a nerd , or not good enough in sex , got a small dick so that no girl wants him , or can't satisfy girls , not cool , or outcast , or etc . Oh dude , what kind of judgement is that ?? Just let them be !

That's what I love from my current bf also , he never judge me . He said that he doesn't care whether I'm still virgin or not . It's my past . I also don't care whether he's a virgin or not . I love him , end of story . True love doesn't need reasons , correct ??

I dunno whether this post will change some people's mind or not , but ya , that's my opinion about virginity . Even though I come from a conservative country . To be honest , I'm not that conservative anymore , hahaha . I do have my own mindset , and please hor , stop judging me ! Don't believe , can check me . Check la ! Check la ! Lol

School Ended - What to Do ?

Well , school ended officially , I meant the first semester of my second year is ended , not my Diploma course , hahaha . How I wish I could reach my final year already , so that I can totally go to work . Haha .
So ya , now I feel like got nothing to do , dunno what to do exactly . Haha , coz I finished all my projects already . Just need to wait for the assessment and some presentations . My assessment will be on the 14th of November . Hmmm 10 more days huh ?
I feel like going to draw some illustrations for fun , but also I dunno what to draw .
Normally if that happens , it will end up with me staring at the empty paper with no expression for the next 30 minutes . Hahaha .
Or probably I can go make pattern . But then,,, wasting paper . I'm not good in pattern making , I admit that . So it will end up with me surrounded by crumpled papers with failed patterns on it . Looks like just back from a paper war . Oh well...

Maybe I should do some fabric hunting , but no money... :(
Hmmm any idea ? Haha
I'm jobless...

I Hate That Kind of F**king Friend

I know , caring about your friends is okay , BUT , NOT caring too much .
Caring and caring TOO MUCH is f**king different . Okay ?
Ya this time I'm out of my patience . I already told her before . I don't think I need to mention who , I hope she f**king realize whom I'm talking about now .
I'm a human okay ? I have my own f**king life and please , I do need space . Go get your life , okay ?? Stop kay poh-ing about my life . Why don't you try to "upgrade" your life first before trying to upgrade my life ? You think what ? You're my mother arh ?
You're not even my best friend , okay ? Stop bothering about my life !
No wonder you can't easily make friends . It's because of your behaviour ! So , stop talking about the negative sides of your friends , they're actually normal kind of people , common type . It's just you , who's too kay poh and always think negatively . You think you're so perfect till you can judge other people ? Please la , I think you're just jealous right ?
You're jealous of everyone else having a total greater life than you . So , please think twice before you're judging other people . Some more , you're spreading a rumor that you don't even f**king know whether it's right or wrong .
If you want to have a great life , then go get one lah ! No need to seek attention by talking about other people . Some more , what you talk is not always right . It's not a fact , it's just a gossip .
Really , if you keep being your self like right now . I don't think you can survive in this wide world .
Go get a life !
You think , I'm your only friend ah ? Every time got problem always seek for me , seek for me , and seek for me . Can't approach other friends huh ?? Then if I didn't stay in there before , how ? You're gonna dead ?? OMG , I'm totally pissed off by you .
Sadly I'm your only friend ...
I'm not a 24 hour customer service le... So stop bugging me .
If you have a problem , please go approach other friends , okay ? I seriously don't have time for listening to your 2 hours of nonsense . I don't mean to be mean to you . Actually I'm a quite friendly girl , it's just that to you , I feel like wanna be a bitch .
So is that a problem for you ?
I know you will feel like surprised by my post , but actually it's for your own good .
Anyway , I'm moving out soon from my current hostel , and I've started my contract in another place already . So the rumor you spread is totally f**king wrong . I'm moving to somewhere else to seek a peaceful environment where I won't see you . I know it's hurt but I'm hurt first . So I currently I stay in that peaceful place with my friend , whom you don't need to know who is my friend . It's my f**king business , not yours .